Happiness: A Key to Success

Greeting and Happy Spring! 

I am writing from El Salvador where I participated in a conference entitled ¨Happiness and Sexual Diversity as Human Rights¨, sponsored by Legal Assistance for Sexual Diversity in El Salvador (ALDES) 

Mirna from Somos Familia with Wendy
and Andrea from ESMULES

and numerous organizations. I have met many activists from the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex communities and have been very inspired by their stories, their work and most of all their courage and determination in the face of high levels of violence and stigma. After reflecting on the many lessons I have learned during this trip, the one that stands out most for me is the importance of being happy. Please read on and enjoy!

Wendy is a member of ESMULES (Espacio de Mujeres Lesbianas de Salvadoreñas por la Diversidad Sexual - Space of Salvadoran Women Lesbians for Sexual Diversity) and is one of the first activists I met during my visit to El Salvador. I was deeply touched by her story of being rejected by her family, of running away and living on the street at age 15, of living in a society where it can be very dangerous being out of the closet, of choosing to be a visible lesbian activist in spite of death threats. She now dedicates her time working to education and increasing visibility for lesbian women and transgender men as well as outreach and support for these communities. 

The ESMULES activists provide education for the National Civil Police, which has a history of ignoring and/or violating human rights of LGBT and other communities. When the government launched a campaign about stereotypes, Wendy was the only lesbian who was willing to appear publicly on posters, in spite of increased danger to her family and herself. One might think that Wendy would be extremely serious and tense, but she is one of the most joyful people I have ever met. Her energy is infectious.


I attended the conference representing Somos Familia, which I cofounded and work with on a volunteer basis. On the second day of the conference,  I got up on stage with our co-founder Mirna to do our presentation about the role of families in supporting our LGBT children. I was anxious about speaking in Spanish, especially since we had just reworked the presentation the day before. I was also a little nervous about telling my personal story as the mother of a gay son and not sure of how it would be received. When I saw Wendy in the audience smiling and giving me a thumbs up, I felt more relaxed and confident and started to smile. Our presentation was a huge success!

When I became friends with Wendy on Facebook, I was struck by her posts about how hard she is working and how much she loves her work. I asked Wendy how she maintains such a positive attitude in the face of so many prejudices and so much violence. She said (translated from Spanish) ¨I get sad, but I encourage myself. It helps me to remember funny and nice things when I feel sad…like all the good things we do with the organization. Someone once told me that people are more attracted to people who are happy and positive. So, I said to myself, I´ll try to stay positive even if things are going badly and that way, people will relate to me. You see, it worked with you…¨ And it did!

I am also in El Salvador commemorating the 25th Anniversary of the death of my first husband Wilfredo, the father of my son. He also risked, and ultimately gave his life for peace and justice for his people. He wanted a better world for his mother and for his family. Like Wendy, he was willing to take great risks for what he believed in. And like her, he always had a sense of humor and joy. Wendy wishes that her mother, and other parents of LGBTI youth, would accept their children. Through their examples, both Wendy and Wilfredo have given me renewed strength to continue the work I do. When I feel discouraged, I will think of them and remember Wendy´s words about the importance of being happy!

For more information about my work, see my website or read past commentaries on my blog (http://mayenoconsulting.blogspot.com) .

Note to readers: I hope you enjoyed reading "Lessons from the Field". If you find this information useful and want to share it with others for purposes of learning (not for profit), please feel free to do so. Please acknowledge Mayeno Consulting and include my web address (www.mayenoconsulting.com) if you pass it on to others. Thanks!

Self-Care for Sustainability and Social Change

Greetings and Happy Winter!

According to Mayan wisdom and prophecy, today does not mark the end of the world, but the beginning of a new era and a time of transformation. As we enter a new era and a new year, I am dedicating this blog to all people who work to make a difference in the world. The topic I chose, caring for our selves and each other as we work to make a difference, is in keeping with the theme of transformation and renewal. Many thanks to Lea Arellano,of Human Solutions Consulting and Training, for her coaching and feedback in writing this blog.

Passionate People Losing Passion

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to make a difference. As a girl, I gave money to the United Farmworkers, marched with my mother and other teachers when they went on strike and protested the war in Viet Nam. Since then, I have worked on a number of different issues ranging from anti-racism to building support for LGBTQ youth. In the best of times, my passion and enthusiasm for social change has been nurtured through my work. In some of the hardest times, I neglected my own needs as I strived to contribute to the greater good. Years after I suffered the devastating loss of my first husband and developed a chronic health problem, I finally began taking my own well being seriously. Over the years, I have learned and relearned that self-care is necessary, not only for myself, but also for my work to thrive.

I am privileged to work with many people who were drawn to what they do because they care deeply about children and families, workers, people with life threatening diseases, the environment and a host of issues. Their workplaces give them a place to feed their passions and work towards the world they envision. Unfortunately, those passions often become dampened, when their needs are not attended to. Here are some of the things I’ve heard from people working on social causes:

 “No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to meet expectations. I never feel good enough.”

“I don’t take lunch breaks. I work and eat at the same time.”

“My supervisor wasn’t supportive when I had to take care of my sick child.”

“I feel judged when I try to set boundaries around my time. Everyone is expected to be available all the time.”

“I wouldn’t want a leadership role, because then I really won’t have a life.”

“My work is emotionally draining, and I don’t have any support or time to process my emotions.

”The need is endless and I can never do enough.”

“The campaign always comes first. We are expected to do whatever it takes.”

In many cases, the people who work for social change put their own health and well being last. We work in a challenging world, often times on urgent issues against great odds. But, does this work necessarily need to involve sacrificing our own wellbeing?

The Cultural Challenge

There are many different reasons why self-care is low priority, including social injustices and a related lack of social investment in the important work we do. But, there is one obstacle that resides within many of us - the people who do this work.  This obstacle is a deep-seated cultural belief that caring for the people doing the work, our selves included, is less important than the work at hand. When we buy into this mindset, we develop organizational practices that are unsupportive of staff and volunteers.  And, as individuals, we may develop patterns in our every day lives that are detrimental to our wellbeing and sustainability.

Many people are calling attention to this as an issue of justice, organizational effectiveness, and sustainability. Today, I’m adding my voice to the choir. As people and organizations working for social change, it’s time for a cultural shift - one which values the people doing the work as much as the communities and issues we work with.

I grew up in the days when activists put many of their own personal aspirations and self-care on the back burner to work for social change. People who pursued their education, wanted to have children or wanted freedom to do other things were sometimes judged and seen as being self-indulgent and lacking commitment to the cause. While this way of being seemed necessary at the time, it was not sustainable. I am heartened to see many activists today who think differently and lead more balanced lives. I also see that we still have a ways to go.

Unlearning Ways of Thinking

In many cultures, including the dominant U.S. culture, many of us are taught that our needs are not important. Members of oppressed groups are treated as second-class citizens. As we internalize negative messages we receive, we may believe that we are not worthy or not important. We may believe that our ideas are not valuable, our dreams not realizable or our needs don’t matter.

We are taught to put our own needs on the back burner. Women are socialized to be selfless caretakers. Men, on the other hand are socialized to believe that their worth is largely defined by their careers and ability to earn money. Self-care (other than working out) is not considered manly. Guilt can also deter people from practicing self-care. It can be difficult to spend time or money doing things for our selves, when the destruction of mother earth continues, countless people are starving and homeless, and many more are threatened by violence.

This dominant mentality towards concern for self is embedded in our language. Words connected to “self”, like selfish and self-centered usually have negative connotations and suggest total disregard for others. We are taught that thinking about and tending to our own needs is in contradiction to caring for others.  This either/or thinking fails to recognize that as individuals we are connected to other people; and our health and happiness are also interconnected.

There is still a tendency among people working in nonprofits or social change organizations to value those who selflessly work long hours and set few personal boundaries. People who don’t follow suit may have their commitment questioned. This way of thinking can be very detrimental to the health of people and organizations. For individuals, it harms self-esteem and discourages people from setting healthy boundaries, pursuing their own passions, expressing or doing things to meet their own needs. At the organizational level, it results in high levels of burnout, high rates of turnover, unhealthy organizational culture and zaps organizations of their vitality and sustainability.

Good News!

The good news is that many people are recognizing the benefits of thinking and acting differently when it comes to self-care. Recognizing that old ways are not working, there are the beginnings of a cultural shift on this topic. We are beginning to recognize that self-care and caring for others aren’t mutually exclusive. Instead, they are deeply interconnected. 

There is other good news! Some organizations have worked to embody commitment to their staff and volunteers. One organization I had the privilege to work with listened to and addressed the ideas and concern of every staff member and intern in their strategic planning process. Several staff wide dialogues as well as one-on-one meetings were held to inform decisions about a substantial restructuring of their work. Another organization restructured their workflow so that staff could have more down time and provided counseling support for staff working with clients with life threatening diseases. This staff framed “self-care” as an issue of organizational sustainability and gained support for the importance of these changes from their governing board.

A Different Mindset

We can shift our mindset if we reconsider the notion that there is something wrong with being self-important. Here are six reasons why our own needs and our own self-care are important.

1.     All of us matter. Every human being has thoughts, feelings, experiences and needs that matter. As Maisha Z. Johnson states, “…we all deserve care, simply because we exist. That means you.”

2.     For people who are marginalized and devalued by society, self-care is a way of claiming one’s own value and sustaining one’s self in the face of oppression. In the words of Audre Lorde “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.”

3.     When we care for ourselves, we can contribute more fully to our communities and society. We can nurture and pursue our passions more effectively. We can be more generous with others.  We can bring more happiness and peaceful energy to our interactions.

4.     Self-care makes it possible to communicate authentically. We can only express our thoughts, feelings and ideas if we value ourselves. Authentic communication is essential for effective teams.

5.     We are models for the people around us. By modeling self-care and behaving like our own needs matter, the people around us learn to do the same for themselves. For example, parents who value their own self-care help their children learn by example.  

6.     Self-care is necessary for sustainability.  The work that we are all doing will require long-term commitment. By caring for our selves, organizations can reduce turnover and maintain continuity of staff. As individuals, self-care can enable us sustain our ability to contribute for the long haul.

Broadening the Concept of Self-Care

What do we mean by self-care? Some people shun the idea of self-care as something that is individualistic and classist, available only to the middle and upper classes. Self-care doesn’t necessarily involve yoga classes, organic food and meditation retreats. If we take a broader approach to self-care, it can have more potential and relevance to all of us. Self-care is the revolutionary idea that our own feelings, needs and thoughts are important. 

Self-care might look different to different people. It might be tending to our spiritual or emotional needs, connecting with nature, finding an outlet for our rage, being listened to, journaling, caring for our bodies, creating a community garden, stopping to breathe, speaking up about something that is bothering us, connecting with community, setting boundaries, working for social justice, healing from oppression, finding creative expression, leaving a toxic environment, or pursuing our dreams. However it looks, self-care can only happen if we value our selves.

Self-care cannot happen in isolation. We cannot value ourselves if we don’t also value our fellow human beings and the earth that sustains us. Creating a culture of caring requires a cultural shift in our thinking and changes in our structures and patterns of living and working. In the long run, it requires shifting the priorities of our society so that the wellbeing of all people and the earth that sustains us are valued over the profits of a few. In the meantime, there is much we can do as individuals and organizations to build a culture of caring for our selves as we care for others and work for social change. 

For more information about my work, see my website or read past commentaries on my blog.Note to readers: I hope you enjoyed reading "Lessons from the Field". If you find this information useful and want to share it with others for purposes of learning (not for profit), please feel free to do so. Please acknowledge Mayeno Consulting and include my web address (www.mayenoconsulting.com) if you pass it on to others. Thanks! 

Readiness for Multicultural Organizational Change: Hearts, Minds and Cultural Norms

Many nonprofit organizations embark on initiatives focused on diversity, inclusion, equity, cultural competence, cultural humility and/or multiculturalism. At the onset, there is usually a group of people - often a diversity committee – involved in planning the initiative. The people in this group are usually eager for, and deeply invested in, change. Then comes the task of engaging the rest of the organization to build buy-in and shared ownership. But, hmmm? How do we approach this? 

Typically, people in the organization are not on the same page about the initiative. In fact, some don’t think it’s necessary. Most people usually agree that it is important to do something to address cultural differences, but they may have divergent of ideas about why, what or how. In spite of the best intentions, cultural norms in many organizations also pose a challenge to multicultural change. Some shared ways of thinking, communicating and behaving may need to shift to make room for the change process.

Creating readiness for change is complex. It involves engaging people’s hearts and minds, while establishing new cultural norms in the organization. Below, we discuss each of these aspects of readiness, which are integrally connected and nonlinear in nature.

Engaging People at the Heart Level

Feelings are often considered out of bounds in a work environment. Yet, our experience with culture and difference is rife with emotions ranging from passion and joy to anger and pain. Authentic multicultural dialogue entails making space for these feelings. Many people in nonprofits are there because the work they do touches their hearts and means something to them. It may be their passion about health, the environment, developing children’s creative potential or any issue that people care about. At its root, a multicultural change initiative is about sharing those things that are critical to our lives so that everyone can flourish and contribute to their full potential.

A sense of personal investment can be established when people reflect on and share experiences around culture. Childhood experiences of having to interpret for immigrant parents at hospitals and clinics, growing up the only Jew in the neighborhood, spending years being homeless, or having a loved one die of cancer due to environmental toxins are among many experiences that motivate people to work for multicultural change. When people share these experiences, there is also a greater appreciation for the cultural strengths that each person brings.

Sharing experiences with culture, privilege and oppression can strengthen working relationships. For example, when people of color share about day-to-day experiences with racism, white people can become more aware of their privilege and learn ways to be stronger allies. White people, especially men, may also talk about the fears they have of being blamed for social injustices. This creates opportunities to build a non-shaming, non-blaming environment.

Ultimately, people are inspired when there is a vision that resonates with them at a personal and emotional level and they are empowered to bring themselves fully to the process. The vision and process for multicultural change can be given life when it grows out of a heart connection to self and others. This prepares people to be active agents of change at all levels of the organization and in its work within the broader community and society.

Mind: Getting Everyone on the Same Page

When an organization launches an initiative, there may be many different ideas about its purpose, goals and what it will look like. There is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to multicultural change. When people take time to address the following questions, it can help clarify direction and get everyone on the same page. There are no “right” or “wrong” answers to these questions.

Why are culture and difference important to us? Is it because we want to improve services? Is it because of our commitment to social justice and equity? Is it because we’ve had conflicts, problems or criticisms related to cultural insensitivity or lack of diversity? Is it necessary to stay true to our mission? Is it because we value the opportunity to learn from difference? There are many motivations behind this work, which aren’t mutually exclusive. Being clear about what is driving the initiative and the values behind it can help build buy-in within the organization and chart the path forward.

What would success look like? What is our ultimate aim? Is it to diversify staff? Build communities? Improve outcomes for underserved populations? How will we know it when we see it? Will we see differences in the outcomes of our work? Will we see increased diversity in our clients, staff, board or community partnerships? Will staff members with diverse backgrounds have a greater voice in the organization? Will the organizational culture be different? Being clear about where the organization is heading can help in the development of change strategies.

How do we approach it? What strategies focus on personal learning and growth or interpersonal relationships? What work do we do on the institutional and systemic level? How does our work at these different levels connect? Do we focus on concrete targets, such as recruitment goals? How do we engage staff and other stakeholders? Who are the agents of change and how do we cultivate them?

Creating New Cultural Norms

Diversity initiatives sometimes focus recruiting people from diverse backgrounds without changing the culture of the organization. Cultural norms and values embedded within organizations usually mirror dominant society and may get in the way of inclusion and equity. A successful change process requires being intentional about creating inclusive and equitable cultural norms. Here are a few challenges to take into consideration:

Communication norms – Many organizations rarely discuss culture and difference. These topics are often seen as “undiscussable” and sometimes charged with fear. A key cultural challenge is normalizing these discussions by creating spaces within the organization for open, non-shaming and non-blaming dialogue. Communication guidelines can be invaluable in this regard.

Common language – Organizations often lack a common language for talking about culture and difference. Terms like “cultural competence” “diversity” and “equity”, “privilege” “oppression” and “power” may be seldom used or mean different things to different people. Creating a common language can give people tools for effective communication.

Power dynamics – Multicultural change may be hampered by power dynamics. People may be uncomfortable challenging authority or afraid of being judged or labeled. There may be real or perceived threats of negative consequences for speaking out. Organizational leaders can play an important role by encouraging open dialogue and responding non-defensively. It is also important to create forums for all voices to be heard and to acknowledge people when they do speak up.

Task-orientation – Most non-profits are driven by the need to get work done, and may have little time for reflection, deeper discussion and exploration. Their ability to survive depends on performance, measured by concrete, tangible results. In addition, there is often a tendency to value product over process. In this context, concrete, tangible achievements and skills may be more highly valued than personal and interpersonal work and skills. A key cultural challenge is to value and make room for the tangible and intangible, as well as a range of skills and knowledge.  

Need to Know - Most workplaces value expertise and know-how. In this context, people may be uncomfortable taking risks, admitting they don’t know something or asking questions. For people to learn, they need permission to admit when they don’t know, to try new things and practice from a beginner’s mind. From a place of humility and ongoing learning, we can gain valuable cultural information and make meaningful connections with people who are different than our selves.

In conclusion, building readiness for multicultural organizational change is a complex process, which can be very rewarding. If people in the organization are invested in the process, they can share responsibility for its success. This can be achieved by engaging people’s hearts and minds and creating cultural norms that support open communication, learning and action.

Many thanks to my colleague Jacqueline Elena Featherston of Featherston & Associates, who collaborated in shaping these ideas and provided invaluable feedback and editing.

For more information about my work, see my website or read past commentaries on my blog.

Note to readers: I hope you enjoyed reading "Lessons from the Field". If you find this information useful and want to share it with others for purposes of learning (not for profit), please feel free to do so. Please acknowledge Mayeno Consulting and include my web address (www.mayenoconsulting.com) if you pass it on to others. Thanks! 

Bridging Divides when Differences Run Deep

Today’s blog is about engaging in dialogue about controversial issues. I share my own experiences speaking out as the mom of a gay son and discuss ideas, principles and skills to go beyond "preaching to the choir" and make room for all voices – especially those we disagree with.

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

 Nelson Mandela

Long Walk to Freedom

Among the many hats I wear, I am the mother of an amazing son, who is proud to be gay. Being Danny’s mother inspired me to co-found a group called Somos Familia, which promotes community and family acceptance of lesbian, gay, bisexual and queer (LGBTQ) youth. Through this work, I have become convinced that engaging in open, authentic dialogue with people who don’t think like me is one of the most important things I can do. As someone who is accustomed to being a strong advocate, I have discovered that this type of dialogue requires new ways of thinking and being and a whole new set of tools. 

In the past I avoided conversations with people who differed with me on controversial or sensitive issues. In recent years, I have heard many voices echo a similar message; that people who promote social progress can only reach our goals if we go beyond “preaching to the choir.” This means talking about topics that are often seen as “undiscussable” and making room for voices that are not “politically correct” or that we may even see as harmful or offensive. 

A few years ago, Somos Familia members participated in the YES Institute’s Communication Solutions^TM course, which provides a valuable model for inclusive dialogue on subjects that are controversial or taboo. The trainers led us through a role-play in which the “audience” made anti-gay comments and we practiced responding as facilitators. The instructions were to acknowledge and reflect back the comments without making them wrong. We were not to argue or criticize, but to engage in a practice of “recreation”, accepting people and their viewpoints exactly as they were. Only after fully hearing and accepting these viewpoints, could we “respond with generosity” and offer an alternative perspective. Rather than shutting down the conversation, this approach allowed space to engage in authentic dialogue.

Whether speaking with families about LGBTQ acceptance or working with non-profits on issues of race, privilege and power, I continually remind myself to acknowledge different viewpoints, even those that trigger deep emotions. Here are some basic principles that help ground me during these times:

1.     Value and accept people whose beliefs and values conflict with our own. Remember that everyone has prejudice, and that people have the capacity to change. Focus on what we appreciate or value in that person, rather than demonizing or dehumanizing them.

2.     Accept, value and make room for perspectives that differ from our own.  Open doors to dialogue rather than shutting down communication by criticizing or judging. Accepting or validating ideas doesn’t mean that we agree, nor does it mean we’re giving in or surrendering our own principles.

3.     Practice self-care. There may be times when you are so triggered that you cannot respond with generosity. Be aware of your own feelings, needs and experiences. Depending on the situation, you might choose to take a break and engage in communication at another time.

Following are some essential skills for bridging divides. It is important to be authentic in practicing these skills. Our “way of being” communicates as much as what we say or do. If we merely “go through the motions”, our inauthenticity will come across in our body language and tone.

1.     Listen and reflect back what is conveyed. Accept the person’s beliefs exactly as they are and let them know that they are heard. Don’t parrot back each word. “Recreate” the essence of their communication, which may include what is said and feelings that are expressed. For example, “I hear that you are worried that teaching about gay people in class will conflict with the values you are teaching your child.”

2.     Acknowledge what you value in different perspectives you hear. Let the person know that you appreciate something about their concern or their intent. For example, “I appreciate your courage in speaking out about something you feel strongly about,” or “I appreciate your concern for your child’s wellbeing.”

3.     Share your perspective or clarifying information with generosity. Don’t argue, defend, criticize or insist that your position is “right”. Express yourself with kindness without trying to control the outcome. You cannot convince people to change their views. You can, however, support them in rethinking their ideas. For example, you might say, “Here’s some information that might help address your concern…” or “Here’s a perspective I can share about this...” 

In closing, we can maintain a true commitment to our principles and make room for viewpoints that are different from our own. Arguing positions from a right/wrong paradigm does not bridge differences. Hearts and minds can open to our messages when we listen to and accept people exactly the way they are. 

For more information about my work, see my website or read past commentaries on my blog.

Note to readers: I hope you enjoyed reading "Lessons from the Field". If you find this information useful and want to share it with others for purposes of learning (not for profit), please feel free to do so. Please acknowledge Mayeno Consulting and include my web address (www.mayenoconsulting.com) if you pass it on to others. Thanks!

"Rocking the Boat" to Make a Difference

Honoring "She-roes"

In honor of Women’s History Month, today’s “Lessons from the Field” is dedicated to women who “rock the boat” in the interest of creating more equitable and effective organizations. There are countless everyday “she-roes” who speak their truths, when not everyone is willing to listen. It is often a few brave women who speak out, sometimes repeatedly, to catalyze crucial conversations that make our organizations, communities, and society work better for everyone.

Withholding Communication

There are many times when we humans withhold our thoughts, feelings or needs to avoid rocking the boat with our colleagues. In doing so, we may miss opportunities to make a difference or dismiss our own needs. This post is about giving up “withholding” and speaking our truths.

Patterns of withholding can become habitual for individuals and groups. Here are some questions that can help identify patterns of withholding in your self, your team or your organization.

Do you withhold or “sugarcoat” feedback to avoid:

• Hurting someone’s feelings?
• Conflict?
• Negative repercussions?
• Damaging relationships?
• Being labeled “too critical”?

Do you withhold or dismiss your ideas, questions or opinions because:

• They might be unpopular?
• People might get defensive?
• You don’t want to be labeled a “negative Nelly”?
• You don’t want to come across pushy or aggressive?
• You think that speaking up won’t make any difference?
• You don’t think you are as smart as others?
• You don’t think your ideas and opinions matter?

Do you hesitate to ask for what you need because:

• You think your needs aren’t really important?
• You don’t want too appear too needy or picky?
• You don’t want to come across as a complainer?
• You don’t want your commitment questioned?

The Impact of Withholding

We may choose to withhold a thought, feeling or need at any time. For example, I sometimes withhold an observation I have about new clients because I am just beginning to build trust. Withholding can be healthy when it is coming from a place of choice, rather than reaction or habit. And, withholding can also have a cost.

One obvious cost of withholding is that unvoiced concerns do not get addressed. This can impact the organization’s effectiveness in multiple ways. Within the team, the lack of constructive feedback or discussion gets in the way of innovation, accountability and interdependence. Internal and external relationships may suffer, because no one is willing to give feedback about behaviors that they find offensive or counter-productive. Similarly team members feel undervalued when their contributions are not acknowledged. Gossiping may become and unhealthy norm, which adds more toxicity to the work environment.

When our needs are not expressed, they will not be addressed. Resentments and frustrations may build up, which create an unpleasant work environment and dampen motivation. One of the biggest costs of withholding may be sadness, anger and pain when we sense that we are not being true to ourselves.

Why We Withhold

From a very young age we receive messages like “be seen and not heard”, “sit down and be quiet”, “don’t question authority”, “keep your feelings to yourself” and “get along”. These messages may be spoken or implied and may be different depending upon our class, race, gender, culture and other aspects of our experience.

Dynamics of oppression impact the messages we get. For example, young girls are often socialized to be caretakers, “good girls” and discouraged from being too smart, strong or “aggressive”. Inundated with conflicting and negative messages, many women are taught to devalue our selves and our opinions, and believe that our feelings and needs don’t matter.

Nonprofit and public organizations each develop their own cultures, which mirror society. New staff members quickly learn the unwritten rules to follow in order to fit in. These norms often involve shying away from conflict to the detriment of organizational and individual learning and growth. Power dynamics can also result in people feeling unsafe saying what’s on their minds.

Interrupting Old Patterns and Creating New Ones

Through my work I have seen organizations interrupt old patterns of withholding and create new ones. As a result, they develop dynamic and trusting working relationships and are more effective in their work. Some essential elements for success include:

• Self-reflection, openness to explore and humility to learn as a “beginners”.
• Commitment to practice on an ongoing basis along with acceptance that the process will have ups and downs.
• Courage to take risks more than once.
• Willingness to listen supportively and non-judgmentally, especially to messages that are hard to hear.
• A sense of humor, compassion and caring for self and others.
• Leaders who help set the tone by practicing new communication behaviors and listening non-defensively when staff members speak their truth.

Transforming communications norms in organizations and teams is not usually a linear process. It may require trying on different approaches and evaluating what works along the way. Here are some steps that organizations and teams can take.

• Identify patterns of withholding and make a collective commitment to transform them.
• Identify and address power dynamics that impede open communication.
• Develop a shared vision for the team and how it will communicate.
• Develop and agree upon communication agreements that foster open communication.
• Create spaces to “practice” these agreements on an ongoing basis. Set the tone that “we are all human and we’re all learning”.
• Invite and create forums for courageous conversations.
• Make sure that people are fully heard when they take risks and speak their truths.

Individuals may feel that they are powerless to make a difference unless they are in positions of formal power. In my experience, people who are not positions of authority are often key catalysts for change. People from all levels of the organization can play leadership roles in fostering open communication. To learn to speak their truths and support others in doing so, individuals can:

• Be aware of one’s own individual communication patterns and notice when they aren’t working.
• Notice and resist the tendency to withhold important communication.
• Practice reminders to self: “my ideas, perspectives, experiences and needs matter.”
• Practice using “I statements” to speak one’s truth without shaming or blaming
• Be supportive when people try new ways of communicating, whether or not they “get it right”.

In conclusion, courageous communication can make the difference between teams that do “okay” and teams that thrive. Patterns of withholding are often learned from a young age and reflected in organizational culture. These patterns can be unlearned and new patterns can be established through exploration, intention and ongoing practice.

"Courage is the most important of all virtues, because without it we can't practice any other virtue with consistency." - Maya Angelou

Upcoming Workshop: On April 5, I will be conducting “Authentic Communications for Empowered Teams” sponsored by CompassPoint Nonprofit Services. If you are interested in engaging in self-reflection, dialogue and learning approaches and skills, please consider joining in!

For more information about my work, see my website or read past commentaries on my blog.

Note to readers: I hope you enjoyed reading "Lessons from the Field". If you find this information useful and want to share it with others for purposes of learning (not for profit), please feel free to do so. Please acknowledge Mayeno Consulting and include my web address (www.mayenoconsulting.com) if you pass it on to others. Thanks!