Today’s blog is about engaging in dialogue about
controversial issues. I share my own experiences speaking out as the mom of a
gay son and discuss ideas, principles and skills to go beyond "preaching to the choir" and make room for all voices – especially those we disagree with.
“No one is born hating
another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his
religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be
taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its
opposite.”
Long Walk to Freedom
Among the many hats I wear, I am the mother of an amazing
son, who is proud to be gay. Being Danny’s mother inspired me to co-found a
group called Somos Familia, which promotes community and family acceptance of
lesbian, gay, bisexual and queer (LGBTQ) youth. Through this work, I have become
convinced that engaging in open, authentic dialogue with people who don’t think
like me is one of the most important things I can do. As someone who is accustomed
to being a strong advocate, I have discovered that this type of dialogue requires
new ways of thinking and being and a whole new set of tools.
In the past I avoided conversations with people who differed
with me on controversial or sensitive issues. In recent years, I have heard
many voices echo a similar message; that people who promote social progress can
only reach our goals if we go beyond “preaching to the choir.” This means
talking about topics that are often seen as “undiscussable” and making room for
voices that are not “politically correct” or that we may even see as harmful or
offensive.
A few years ago, Somos Familia members participated in the
YES Institute’s Communication SolutionsTM course, which provides a
valuable model for inclusive dialogue on subjects that are controversial or
taboo. The trainers led us through a role-play in which the “audience” made
anti-gay comments and we practiced responding as facilitators. The instructions
were to acknowledge and reflect back the comments without making them wrong. We were not to argue or criticize, but
to engage in a practice of “recreation”, accepting people and their viewpoints
exactly as they were. Only after fully hearing and accepting these viewpoints,
could we “respond with generosity” and offer an alternative perspective. Rather
than shutting down the conversation, this approach allowed space to engage in
authentic dialogue.
Whether speaking with families about LGBTQ acceptance or
working with non-profits on issues of race, privilege and power, I continually
remind myself to acknowledge different viewpoints, even those that trigger deep
emotions. Here are some basic principles that help ground me during these times:
1.
Value and accept people whose beliefs and
values conflict with our own. Remember that everyone has prejudice, and that
people have the capacity to change. Focus on what we appreciate or value in
that person, rather than demonizing or dehumanizing them.
2.
Accept, value and make room for perspectives
that differ from our own. Open doors to
dialogue rather than shutting down communication by criticizing or judging. Accepting
or validating ideas doesn’t mean that we agree, nor does it mean we’re giving
in or surrendering our own principles.
3.
Practice self-care. There may be times when you
are so triggered that you cannot respond with generosity. Be aware of your own
feelings, needs and experiences. Depending on the situation, you might choose
to take a break and engage in communication at another time.
Following are some essential skills for bridging divides. It
is important to be authentic in practicing these skills. Our “way of being”
communicates as much as what we say or do. If we merely “go through the motions”,
our inauthenticity will come across in our body language and tone.
1.
Listen and reflect back what is conveyed. Accept
the person’s beliefs exactly as they are and let them know that they are heard.
Don’t parrot back each word. “Recreate” the essence of their communication,
which may include what is said and feelings that are expressed. For example, “I
hear that you are worried that teaching about gay people in class will conflict
with the values you are teaching your child.”
2.
Acknowledge what you value in different
perspectives you hear. Let the person know that you appreciate something about
their concern or their intent. For example, “I appreciate your courage in
speaking out about something you feel strongly about,” or “I appreciate your concern
for your child’s wellbeing.”
3.
Share your perspective or clarifying information
with generosity. Don’t argue, defend, criticize or insist that your position is
“right”. Express yourself with kindness without trying to control the outcome.
You cannot convince people to change their views. You can, however, support
them in rethinking their ideas. For example, you might say, “Here’s some
information that might help address your concern…” or “Here’s a perspective I
can share about this...”
In closing, we can maintain a true commitment to our
principles and make room for
viewpoints that are different from our own. Arguing positions from a
right/wrong paradigm does not bridge differences. Hearts and minds can open to
our messages when we listen to and accept people exactly the way they are.
For more information about my work,
see my website or
read past commentaries on my blog.